Tunnel Vision

Parenting can be a dark and lonely place

Parenting is a dark tunnel. They don’t tell you that the moment your baby is born. And even if they did there would be no way to believe it. The glow of amazement is too saturating; no darkness can permeate that moment right after your beautiful baby is born.

But adolescence is another story. A teenager’s job is to travel away, to move outward, following the umbilical cord of life away from one’s mother and towards the great wide open plains of life.

I parent in a way that I wasn’t parented, which means that I over-parent. Throughout my parenting life, I have been over-involved, over-engaged, and over-invested. I love being a mother. It’s one of my greatest accomplishments and constant delights. I never get tired of my daughter Lucia, even when she is impatient and irritated with me, even when she throws her clothes on the floor and leaves her bathmat in a wet, mildewy pile. I’m like a loyal golden retriever, always at the ready for some action. I pant for joy when I see her and lick at her heels for attention when she passes by.

For many years this worked. My loyal, abiding presence was welcomed by Lucia when she was a baby and a toddler, and even a pre-teen. But now that she’s seventeen it’s an impossible equation — loyal dog and jet-setting traveler.

Lucia is normal — school, work, friends, shopping, sporting events, parties. She’s living her life to its fullest, and that’s her job. And I am still here, lying in my dog bed, tennis ball in my mouth, ready to play.

I know what I am experiencing is a universal experience for parents of teenagers. There is a natural grieving as parents watch their children leave the nest. The healthy thing for our children to do is fly away.

I am working my muscles of patience and faith, trusting that this phase will evolve and Lucia will come back. Intellectually I know this truth, but emotionally it’s hard to be a lonely old dog. And scary. The unknown of Lucia’s life as she forges her own path is terrifying for me. There are days when I am filled with worry so fierce I have to close my eyes and count my breaths until the grip in my chest dissipates.

Related posts:

Huddling against the night, our clan whispers, “When will there be fire?” The moon awakens and pushing aside a cloudy curtain, peers down on the man. I see grey light on his back, a dim blue glow on…

I suck at hiding my irritation in the heat of the moment. That irritation often spirals a discussion into an unnecessary argument. Here are phrases I tell myself to avoid it.

Her wristwatch struck 11:00 pm and she was waiting at the bus stop. Darkness and mist surrounded the place, the only sound was the chirping from crickets. A loud thumping sound rippled in the quiet…